Bittersweet

This is a difficult post for me to write. It has been on my heart for awhile, but I've just been putting it off. This story is hard to share in such a public place. But this blog is our family scrapbook and this story is a part of our family.

In December, Matt and I found out we were pregnant with our second baby. We were so excited and thrilled!! We told Caroline right away that she was going to be a big sister...she didn't really get it ;-) It was extra special with Christmas coming up, and we had so much fun talking about ways to tell our families the wonderful news on Christmas day. We decided to wrap up a picture of Caroline in her big sis shirt with our due date written on the frame.

Here is a pic of Matt's parents when we told them...love Niki's face (she's going to kill me for putting this on here):And here is a pic of my brother, mom and grandmother when they opened the picture. Right after I took this picture, Nannie burst into tears. It was so sweet and fun to celebrate our baby with our family. My dad didn't get to open a picture but we had told him the day before Christmas Eve...he was so excited too.

Not long after that incredible Christmas morning, on January 4th to be exact, I began to have some symptoms that we were potentially losing the baby. I went to my doctor immediately that day, and I'm so thankful they did a sonogram. It didn't show anything conclusive but it gave me my only picture of my second baby (the pic below...sorry it's so blurry):

After the sonogram, the doctor (I didn't get to see my OB that day because I came in last minute) said he wasn't sure whether or not I was losing the baby or just having typical pregnancy symptoms. He said we had to wait it out and sent Matt and me home with things to look for to help us know definitively. That evening, it became extremely clear that we were, in fact, in the process of losing our baby. I miscarried on the morning of Wednesday, January 6th. Those days and the weeks following were some of the most painful days of my life. I immediately felt this huge urge to tell everyone that I had been pregnant...it was this great need to validate the precious life of our baby. I wanted our baby to know he/she was loved and wanted so badly. People kept telling me that "at least it had happened early". There is a lot of truth to that statement, and I am so thankful I miscarried early on, but it doesn't erase the fact that I had a life growing in me. This life was a baby from the moment he/she was conceived and now our baby had died and was in heaven.

I guess you never know how you will react to something like this until it actually happens to you. The emotions I felt afterwards and the grieving process that took place was completely unexpected and really took me by surprise. The healing process after miscarriage is long (at least it was/is for me...I know everyone reacts differently). Our friends and family helped us so much...from bringing us meals to long phone calls and LOTS of prayers...I couldn't have made it through that tough time without them. Shannon and Katie, who have unfortunately walked this same difficult road before, both gave me a wonderful book. God used this book in a big way to began healing in my heart. I'd highly recommend it for anyone who has lost a baby too soon.

Matt and I knew we wanted to start trying to get pregnant again as soon as we could. I knew another baby wouldn't make the loss of our second baby any easier, but after having that all-too-short moment of being pregnant again, I wanted that back so badly. And I wasn't sure how long it would take us to get pregnant. Well, God blessed us in a huge way, and answered many prayers, because it didn't take us long and, as you all know, I'm 13 weeks pregnant with Baby Krauss #3. I've had a couple of scares with this pregnancy too...it's been a loooong 13 weeks. But everything has worked out so far, and we're praying everyday that we get to meet this baby in November. Here are some pics of baby #3:

6 weeks...such a small baby ;-)

8 Weeks

12 Weeks

I still miss my second baby so much and think about him/her all the time. I still can't look at those pictures from Christmas day without crying. Mother's day was definitely bittersweet this year. I was so thankful to have the incredible blessing of being a mom to Caroline and to have this baby growing inside me, but I couldn't help but think about my baby in heaven also. Knowing I'll get to hold my baby in heaven someday gives me such hope and peace. I don't know what people do, who go through tough situations, without the hope of Jesus Christ. The cross has even more meaning in my life. I'm more grateful than ever that Jesus died for me so that I can have that kind of hope.

"I will heal you, lead you, and give you comfort, until those who are mourning start singing my praises. No matter were you are, I, the Lord, will heal you and give you peace." Isaiah 57:18-19

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, you were sanctified." Jeremiah 1:5

"From my mother's womb, you have been my God." Psalm 22:10

"God will swallow up death forever. The sovereign Lord will wipe all the tears away from all faces." Isaiah 25:8

The above verses are only a few from a big notebook that Katie filled up with comforting and healing verses for me. So thankful for God's word that brings such healing!!